Do Not Be Afraid Of Being Afraid

I became interested in practicing as a young child in 1972. The TV show “Kung Fu” first came on the air. I was initially drawn to it because the lead character played by the actor David Carradine was able to defend himself. My family had just moved from the Hyde Park area of Chicago to the far south side in an Irish American community. At that time in cities like Chicago and Boston racial tension was dramatic. Us as one of the first as a mixed race African American and Jewish family we were not exactly a welcome addition.

The intensity was tremendous. It shifted from being bullied by older kids, and occasionally being spat on or cussed out by adults. Even “friends”‘were often cruel. Teachers were also often not too kind, making fun of me in class. I recall once the principal speaking to me in a faux black accent. '“Don’t be shucking and jiving me’.” It grew far more intense as I grew older, bigger, stronger. Other people of color gradually moved in, but it did not make it safer. Extreme violence and racial hatred seemed to be around every corner. Being chased by mobs was not at all uncommon, once having an M80 thrown at me. Baseball bats and rocks, oh joy. I did not feel safe anywhere in the world, at any time.

At about that point I began to have debilitating panic attacks. They would come on suddenly like a great wave from the ocean. At the first sign of them I began to be afraid. I became afraid of being afraid. When fear came on the screen of consciousness, it was like a god to me. I would become afraid, and then become afraid of being afraid, and then terrified of being afraid of being afraid. 

This is how the process works for debilitating emotions. We think they exist to keep us safe, but what we identify with begins to have a life of its own, though we are convinced it is our deepest self. This is true of other negative emotions as well. Fear stings and grows into resentment. Resentment festers and becomes anger. Anger into metastasizes into hatred and rage. The emotion lives for itself, not to serve us. It convinces itself it is us,  playing us like a fiddle.

Do not fear being afraid. Do not entertain these negative emotions. It is these that drive us like cattle to the news each day, not to be informed but to continue to prove to us that we are right to feel so much pain. It hurts so good. You are not your fear. You are not your doubt, and you are not your hatred. These emotions change us, make us something that does not relate to our true authenticity.

We need you now. We need you to be our champion, to stand for who you truly are. When you are truly present resentment is not. Fear may come, but it is the emotion that tells us to act, not to carry in our breast. When you are  truly present you have a sense of general optimism, unconditional love for your life, and a hopefulness. You were born for this. You can do it. You can enjoy your life, even in the midst of this time.